Make It Happen

Is it time to build a bunker?

The recent descent into quasi-socialism , coupled with our current overall political trends, has me wondering if we're heading past the next Great Depression and straight back to the Dark Ages.

Atlanta is out of gas in many places right now.  Food prices are continuing to skyrocket.

I swear, I'm halfway considering stocking up on non-perishables / building a pseudo-bunker of supplies...  if I were in a home I planned to stay in for more than six months, I believe I actually would.

Does anyone have a fiddle?  Because we've got the modern day equivalent of Rome burning over here... 

Talk to the police? You'd have to be crazy.

This lesson is way off the usual subjects I post about - but it is too critical to overlook.

Remember that old TV line from the police dramas about "anything you say can and will be used against you"?  That may not be the exact text, but by golly, it's certainly the essence.  Innocent?  Doesn't matter, really.  Based on what I learned from this presentation, ANYTHING you say can be misconstrued, taken out of context, or flat out misrepresented to get you convicted of something you may not even have known was a crime.

I strongly suggest watching this law professor and policeman explain why, no matter how innocent you are, talking to the police is never, ever in your best interest.

HT:  NoodleFood, for posting it, and Orpheus_Sail, for pointing it out.

File under: Why didn't I think of that?

For all my single friends - this is too cool an idea not to pass along:

http://www.sweetongeeks.com/

Working on it...

It's pretty easy for me to forget to build my day to day life as well as I build my career.

After all, I'm an achievement junkie: I thrive on accomplishments.  Work offers plenty of opportunities for both a personal sense of achievement as well as external recognition.  Events in my daily life tend to have a lot less defined "finish line", and therefore don't offer a "Whew!  Done! Great Job!" feeling very often.

The problem with concentrating the majority of my effort on my job is that jobs are not permanent.  My overall daily life IS.  Until I die, this is it - what I make of it is all I get: it's supposed to be primary.

It's also much harder to work on building up my day to day life.  Doing things costs money; it costs time; and it can be emotionally risky to self-evaluate, determine deficiencies, and create action plans for resolution.  It's much easier to just "go with the flow" - and try not to wonder why I'm not happier and more satisfied.  It's also very easy to get overwhelmed at the sheer number of steps it would take to accomplish any particular goal - and with no one but me pushing for the goal, it's easier to "grease the squeaky wheel" (of work demands) than it is to devote the time and effort to my daily happiness.

"Just let me get past (X deadline), then I'll see about something nice for me." 

Never happens.  X deadline is replaced by Y urgent deadline which is replaced by Z.   

Using the 43things site is proving helpful in recording some of my personal goals - which in turn, helps me remember to focus on them.

I did pretty well this past weekend:

1. Had friends over for a beer & cheese / late night blab fest on Friday
2. Went out boating on Lake Lanier with other friends on Saturday
3. Played board games on Sunday
4. Visited my little sister & met her new puppy on Monday

I managed to combine socialization, culinary adventures, activities I enjoy, and changes of scene, into all four days.  I still had time to actually talk about mid-range plans with my husband, read two books, tidy up the house a bit, do a little cooking, run some laundry, do a little shopping for supplies, catch up on my gardening and cooking shows, and take a nap two days in a row. 

That's pretty satisfying.  Even if most of it was fairly serendipitous - I'm still going to give myself credit for working on my day to day life, and the achievement of balancing "gotta" with "wanna" for four days in a row.

Unexpected Death

I got a call from my sister, saying my uncle called her to tell her that our 35 year old cousin died after or during - no clear details yet - surgery two days ago.

I didn't know her at all well - just saw her and chatted during the infrequent family gatherings - which, ironically, tend to be funerals.   She was the daughter of my mother's first cousin - so depending on how you parse it, she was either my second cousin or first cousin twice removed.  Never have been good at that stuff.

I have to say, though, that I'm rattled by it.  Dying from - or just after - surgery these days seems so odd.  And dying at 35 - my god, she was younger than I am.   

Her immediate family must be absolutely devastated.  And while we aren't close - indeed, more like nodding acquaintances - I will go to the visitation and service out of sheer sympathy for their loss, and as a mark of familial support.  I know from my own parents' funerals that while the details of who attended seemed minor at the time, it was still a modicum of comfort to know that their passing wasn't ignored, wasn't trivially overlooked in favor of the press of day to day life. 

How awful, to die so young.  And what a reminder that surgery isn't something to take lightly.

Superman vs. Clark Kent

I watched "Kill Bill 2" last night.  There was a scene where the antagonist explained something key to the protagonist - and it rather resonated for me.

He was comparing Superman to other superheros, and pointed out that Peter Parker puts on a costume to become Spiderman; Bruce Wayne puts on a costume to become Batman.  Peter and Bruce are their real identities; the superhero part of their lives is the disguised part.  Not Superman.  Clark Kent is his disguise - the Superman costume was, after all, made from the very blanket they found him wrapped in as an infant.  Superman is his identity.

He then asked the protagonist if the life she'd planned for herself - the life possibility he had destroyed - would've been her identity - or her disguise.  Due to the convenient truth serum he'd given her, she had to admit to both he and to herself that it would have been a disguise; that she'd have donned it knowing it was a disguise of her true self.  (In the end, she destroyed the antagonist for taking that choice away from her - as she should've - but the concept he raised was still interesting).

No, fiction isn't real life.  But there are thought provoking ideas and concepts one can explore via the ideas found in good fiction.   Clark Kent exists because Superman would never have any peace, never have any privacy or a regular job or normal social interaction, if he walked around as Superman all the time.  How many of us hide some or all of our true selves behind a disguise (not that we're Supermen) for similar reasons?  And how valid is that notion - that we have to hide all, or parts, of who we really are?  We're NOT Superman.

I used to consciously compartmentalize my life.  "This is the Corporate Warrior side.  X, Y, and Z people will never see anything else."  "This is the aggressive, passionate, driven to achieve side.  There can be some overlap in those who see Corporate Warrior and this side."  "This is the probably way too tender-hearted,  affectionate and PollyAnna-ish side."  Etc.

I made conscious effort to take the risk of re-integration (and to hell with the opinions of anyone else) about five years ago and actually allow the whole person to show to anyone who cared to (and was smart enough to) see it.  Overall, I've done an OK job at it - the biggest part was the conscious decision - but I think I've either backslid in my resolve, or else left out chunks when I was piecing together the whole.

Because I feel like parts of my personality, my true self, are either now or else still disguised and hidden and not being expressed.  I feel like I've tried to eradicate or at least forget aspects of who I am because I didn't think they were appropriate any longer, or still served my best interests, or met my vision of the best person I can be.  And whether it was done gradually, accidentally (backsliding) or deliberately (I think it was some of each), I no longer feel like my whole self is getting equal "face time" in the world.  Parts of who I am are hidden.

I believe a big part of my current core restlessness and discontent is springing from those hidden pieces.  Although I am genuinely restless at this time of year, the reality is that I've been unsettled for a long time now.  Which entirely makes sense: if these hidden aspects are integral parts of me, I can't leave them unattended and unexpressed -  and not expect emotional repurcussions.

The question is now:  what action am I willing to take about this? Can I take the risk of consciously identifying not just what the hidden aspects are, but also identifying the essential characteristics of those unexpressed facets?  Remember that I deliberately set them aside before.  I didn't think they were truly important - or, if they were important, that they deserved to be important.  I want to think that we can selectively modify our selves; that we can identify and eradicate habits or even character traits if we try.  To think otherwise seems to invite the "I can't help it, it's just who I am" abdication of responsibility mentality.  That's a construct I reject.  Logically, then, it's not a case of "well this is who I am so I have to; I have no control" but rather, "this is who I am, and here's the constructive way to express it" 

To solve this core restlessness - assuming that I've identified the source correctly - I'll need to not only identify what's hiding, but also, how did it get hidden?  There had to have been reasons; are those reasons valid?  Did I throw out the baby with the bathwater: did I look at the way I was expressing these aspects, and in identifying the actions as non-constructive, mistakenly try to discard the root of it instead of finding a better way to express / act on it?  Or was I mistaken in thinking the actions were non-constructive in the first place?  Did I have an ideal in my mind that in fact was flawed?

After wading through all that, I'll then need to assess:  What will I gain, and what will I lose, by instituting changes in my life that will let these aspects be expressed?  What's the most constructive outlet, what will best serve me and my overall goals?

Ack.  I think I'll go plant a shrub or two.   I haven't even finished my first pot of coffee and I'm rolling through some seriously heavy-duty stuff here. 

On the Road Again

If things go as planned, I'll be scooting out around lunch today to head up to my sister's.  With the drive time averaging 3.5 hours, it's going to be a challenge: I need to get in a full day's work so I don't get behind, but I don't want to drive in the peak hour traffic that starts around 2:30 on Fridays.

I'm hoping to work as I drive; there's a solid two to three hours worth of conference calls / knowledge transfer that I think I can handle via headset, once I'm on the highway.

The nice thing will be visiting with my sister, seeing her new house now that she's moved in, the cook out scheduled for Saturday with my sister-in-law attending, and then visiting my daughter on Sunday since it's her birthday and she lives about halfway between my house & my sister's.

So, the trip is worth the challenge of figuring out how to get my job done around the drive time.

I think I'll bring along my afghan-in-progress, so when we sit down to hang out, my hands have something to do.

In the meantime, though, I need to hang up my laundry, clear out my car, tidy up the house, pack, and make serious progress on some work projects so I can afford to be not only AFK but entirely out of pocket for the hour it will take me to clear Atlanta & get on the highway.  As multitasking as I am, I don't want to have highly technical conversations AND be navigating Atlanta area traffic: I'd like to get above the 316 split before starting those calls.

File this under "more centimeters of progress" - because while this is a serious juggle, I AM finding a way to work in what I WANT to do with what I NEED to do.

Rearranging deck chairs...

I love my job - I love the blend of creative writing and figuring out the technical solution that best meets the prospect's needs (I write responses to RFPs).  I enjoy decoding the need behind the question, in order to answer both what they asked as well as what they intended; I like knowing how each solution component changes the specific architecture of the overall package.

I can't help wondering, though, if I'm rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.  If there's no future for the organization, is there a point to what I do?  Sure, I love the rush of a completed project - of knowing I solved it, I made it happen.  I like the art of planning my time to be able to hit all my deadlines and goals; I like refining my skills so every project is a little better than the one before it.

But if the organization isn't viable - if we aren't going to make it as a company, because of lack of common vision and goals and direction and philosophy and oh, a million other things - what's the point of all my efforts?  What's the point of being the best damn bid writer I can be, if in the long run, the ship is sinking?  Is the thrill of the individual project completion enough to sustain me for now, or is it a profound waste of my time & energy?

How will I know if the ship is just floundering, but can still achieve a course correction and sail on - or if we are indeed going to sink?  If I knew we had no hope, no chance - I'd bail out.  Better to row my own dinghy than sink on a luxury liner.  I can see the ship listing; I can see the storm beating away at the decks, incessantly drenching the passengers.  Will the storm pass?

I don't know.  And it sucks away my enthusiasm for my projects. 

Yes, I realize my projects are really the least of my worries - I realize my focus should be on determining whether the ship will sail on or not.   Looking at that large scale is just too overwhelming right now; I don't want to have to abandon my hopes nor do I honestly know yet how to assess if my own fears are coloring my judgment and making it seem far worse than it is in reality.  I haven't yet been able to set aside my emotions enough to look at the whole picture dispassionately and assess: stay the course, work to fix it with all my might - or abandon ship.

Limbo

It's not quite spring, but it's no longer fully winter: limbo.  The weather is too varied right now - one day it's 34 during the day, and two days later it's 57 at night - to really be able to consider it either season.  Projects that require some outside time on the table saw, or puttering in the yard, are hard to preschedule this time of year - you really have to wait to see what the forecast will look like, which reduces pre-planning to about two days at best.  Scheduling purely indoor projects is similarly frustrating - if, after a week of wind and rain and chill, the day unexpectedly blooms sunny and warm - I want to be outside, reveling in the teasing taste of warmer days to come. 

My hand is better, but not entirely well: limbo.  I can crochet again, although not for hours straight.  Anything requiring a strong grip from the left hand, or any sort of weight bearing, is not possible yet.   This really narrows the projects I can work on right now.  Even holding a book is hard, which rather cuts off my usual "downtime" activity of voracious reading.

So, in my typical questioning way - what information or principles can I find in the concept and existence of limbo?  Whim worshipers might see it as proof that you should indulge the moment, setting aside any long range plans as futile and identifying the whole of reality as arbitrary.  Supernatural types might see it as proof that "there are things so far beyond you, it's not your plans that matter".   Brush those aside as the drivel and excuses for avoiding responsibility that they both are; there has to be some other conclusion.

I think it's the "don't put all your eggs into a single basket" philosophy I've held for years - AKA "advance on multiple fronts, don't expect one single thing to produce all the results you seek".    I've learned you can't count on solely one thing (other than the composite of things that make up your self); you need to have multiple options and plans concurrently.   So, limbo -whether imposed by the seasonal flux, or a minor injury needing time to heal - is kind of the proof of the value of having concurrent projects and options and plans.  Can't do one? Fine, work on another.  Can't really over-tax my hands?  That's the perfect time to go out for a "spa day", where the result is liking my body & appearance more; or a planning day, where I assess where I am, where I've been, where I want to go and how I think I can go about getting there in concrete, measurable steps.  Can't pre-plan external vs. internal projects due to the fluctuating weather that is Atlanta in early spring?  Fine.  Realize it's temporary - that by early April at the latest, the consistency ratio will exceed the inconsistency - and keep the current projects to those that can be accomplished in very short bursts rather than long sessions. 

Limbo? Yeah, so what?  We can and do work right around it. Hmph.

Off Topic: Mercenary

Over the years I've given a lot of thought to my passion for production in myself and in others.  I initially looked at it from the negative side: "I just can't sit still", "I don't know how to relax" types of self talk.  At first, I thought this was a flaw in my character, a method of ensuring I never had to really sit still and contemplate life because perhaps I wouldn't like what I saw if I did.  I figured I sought passion for production out in others because maybe I didn't want to face sitting still with them, either.

That's a complete fallacy.  The fact that I took the time to consider the concepts automatically refutes it, because if I was keeping busy to avoid thinking - what was I doing thinking about it?   I slowly came to realize that it didn't much matter what the activity was, the common thread was that at the end, there was a finished product - something that I created now existed in a physical sense.  Production.

What, then, could be the reason behind this passion for production?  Took me a while, but I finally realized: Self-esteem.  Creating things - a blog, a scarf, a headboard, a meal, a bookcase - doesn't matter what - makes me proud of myself.  I'm proud of the skills it takes to accomplish something; proud of the process of imagining it, thinking through the steps and executing it.  I'm proud of the finished result even as I think of how I could improve it next time.  Making things, helps me feel competent to survive and thrive.  I can make things that I enjoy, that make my life better; I don't have to depend on something or someone else.  I can reason things out and identify the essentials vs. the nice to haves, turn that into a plan and actually follow it through to completion.  In the end, I have something that makes my life a little more fun, or beautiful, or pleasant, or tasty - whatever, it's a life that is now a little more, a little better.  It seems so simple, and yet it has pretty deep implications for me.

It ties back to one of my old axioms about qualities I require of potential friends and romantic interests.  I used to call this quality "personally ambitious"; I explained it as having ambition for oneself to grow, to achieve - not necessarily in a way the rest of the world might recognize, such as 'career success', but rather a quality of passionate desire to improve one's skills and oneself; to grow and achieve and create.  I never cared - and still largely don't - much about HOW that was manifested as much as I cared that the quality was there in spades.  I realize that I held that as an essential qualifier for others because it was and still is such an essential quality for myself.  I need to feel like I'm competent, that I can improve my life whether in tiny or large ways, that I am not stagnating.  Why wouldn't  I seek out those same qualities in people I voluntarily associate with?

I had an acquaintance at one of my old jobs - a single female in her mid thirties - who would quietly lament that she only wanted someone who was "bringing at least as much to the table as I am".  She feared being seen as mercenary, but the reality is she simply didn't have an interest in anyone who was not at least as productive and achievement oriented as she.  I said at the time, and still say, "Amen". 

It makes me angry that this idea could even be considered as mercenary, because of the profound implications behind that concept.  Mercenary presupposes that she's only out to get from someone else the things she can't or won't get on her own.   It presupposes vampirism; ill will and essentially is calling her a looter.  Saying that a woman is mercenary because she seeks her equal in achievement & production is also implying women should just take whatever they can get and be glad of it; that women shouldn't consider standards in seeking a friend or romantic partner.  Gee.  Someone pass me a chador so I can be appropriately covered as I slow to walk three paces behind.

It really bothers me that most women still confess this only to each other in whispers and in select groups.  We'll easily joke about the physical qualities we might like in a partner, or laugh about "my shopping buddy" vs. "my going out to dinner buddy", but saying we want a productive, achievement oriented friend or lover to the wrong person is asking to be labeled as a gold-digging mercenary.

If wanting to associate with equals is mercenary, then I'm the most mercenary cold hearted bitch on wheels.

Wise up, world: The key differentiator here is that we're only looking for someone at least as productive as we are.   We're not looking for someone to bleed; for someone to take something from.  Neither do we want to be the one bled.   

I'm no longer ashamed of my own need to produce and achieve.  It's not driven by a desire to avoid life, it's driven by a need to shape my life the way I want it to be.  I don't care if people say I'm too driven, too ambitious, too "Type A" or whatever perjorative they select.   I know what I need for my own happiness, and making things (or making them happen) is a critical part of that happiness.  So I'll go on pushing myself; I'll go on making things and learning things so I can make more.

I'm also not going to apologize for wanting similar qualities in the people I voluntarily associate with.  Misinterpret it all you want - call it whatever you want; I really don't care - because I know why it's a value to me.