Make It Happen

Another round of infusions imminent

Well, we (Doc and I) can’t get my hematocrit up above a 10, nor my ferritin up anywhere near normal, so it’s time for more iron infusions.

I’ll be starting the series next Friday. I hate the process but I love the outcome – I just feel so much better when my iron levels are closer to normal ranges.

She doesn’t think I’ll have to do a full 18 week series of 3x a week this time; her guess is that 2 months of weekly sessions (4 hours per session) will probably get it done.

It’s annoying, how it just gradually erodes… it’s been tracking down .6 points on a quarterly basis. The infusions I got during surgery last fall helped, but weren’t enough to get me above the bare minimum for “normal” – and now they’re gone.

I couldn’t tolerate the prescription iron supplement, and of course, we’ve learned that for me, diet only slows the erosion – it can’t replace what isn’t there.

So, it’s back to the infusion series. I’m really looking forward to not being constantly cold and exhausted (see me trying to be positive about this?!).

I need to go stock up on some books to read while I sit in the chair…

Long time no post

I haven't posted here in a long, long time.  It's not that there's been little to say - more like that there's been too much going on.

Mostly, I've been just tracking my goals & progress on 43_things ... dunno if I will post here as frequently as I used to, but I'm going to try.

Check out the photo albums (upper right corner) for a few pictures of the places I've been lately.

Evolving med stuff

On the good news side:

1. Chest CT reveals clear lungs - the 1 mm blip they glimpsed before isn't there anymore. That is a VERY good thing.
2. Pap came back clear - so the cervix is almost certainly fine.

Still on the scary side:

1. 6 cm atypical cyst/growth in the left ovary; 1-2 cm on the right
2. elevated CA-125 levels
3. low iron (10.75, which isn't awful yet but may complicate healing a bit)
4. "finding" on the right side mammogram

Next test: redo the mammogram that showed a "density" on the right side.  They want that clearly understood before proceeding to surgery, which I can respect.

I'm so relieved about the updated chest CT results!  For a few days, it was sounding like everything in my entire thorax had "odditities" and "findings".

I'm scared and I admit it.

I've got some medical stuff going on that is - at least to me - a little scary.

I have a very qualified team of medical professionals who are running the latest in diagnostic procedures and will perform the necessary surgery using the newest, best tools (daVinci Robotics).  I'm doing everything I can - but the uncertainty is scary. 

The utter panic I've seen from the few people I've told really hasn't helped much, either.

I'm trying to be calm and not "borrow trouble" nor speculate unneccessarily about what it "might be".  Right now, we have a limited set of facts available.   My focus needs to be on what I can do to prepare for surgery and the recovery period; both from a work as well as personal level.

I need to decide if I want just the immediate problem area excised, or if I want the whole enchilada taken out.

I'm acknowledging I'm scared.   

Even if everything is entirely benign, and the surgery goes flawlessly, and the recovery is rapid, I'm scared about what this will cost in time and money.  10% of a lot of $$ is still a lot of $$.  I don't want to wipe out the meager "next house" fund I have, lest it mean another year of 'camping' in a rental.  I have no real idea how much this will cost, and that's scary.  Depending on what they find and what they have to do in surgery, the time off could range from a week to six weeks.  The last time I took more than two weeks off of work, I got laid off a month later.  Things are slow at work right now - which is scary in and of itself, as it is not normal.  I don't want to be out while we're slow and have them think "hey, we didn't need her after all".  So that's scary too.

I'm not a rapid healer, and I'm not very patient with myself operating at less than full capacity.  So I'm scared about the recovery period even beyond the work implications.

Bleh.

What I CAN do:

1. follow the Doctors' orders; show up for my tests & appointments on time and per instruction
2. discuss alternatives and possibilities with the Doctors
3. lay in a supply of books to read, movies to watch, yarn to crochet
4. ensure a supply of food I'll be able to -and want - to eat for the first week
5. map out work for my team to execute in my absence
6. optimize my health in the week I have left before surgery, to improve recovery speed after (stretching exercises, healthy food, vitamins - all the stuff I do sporadically anyhow, but now a more focused effort)
7. stay focused on the reality of the situation - not get lost in speculative panics.

lyrics

My fancy new (well, it's a few months old but still seems new to me) PC has enough power & storage to actually keep & play music.   W00t! 

I like pulling songs out that fit my mood from one interval to the next.  Lyrics stuck in my head today:

Alan Jackson: Here in the Real World

[Cowboys don't cry,
And heroes don't die.
And good always wins
Again and again.

And love is a sweet dream
That always comes true
Oh, if life were like the movies,
I'd never be blue.]

Working on it...

It's pretty easy for me to forget to build my day to day life as well as I build my career.

After all, I'm an achievement junkie: I thrive on accomplishments.  Work offers plenty of opportunities for both a personal sense of achievement as well as external recognition.  Events in my daily life tend to have a lot less defined "finish line", and therefore don't offer a "Whew!  Done! Great Job!" feeling very often.

The problem with concentrating the majority of my effort on my job is that jobs are not permanent.  My overall daily life IS.  Until I die, this is it - what I make of it is all I get: it's supposed to be primary.

It's also much harder to work on building up my day to day life.  Doing things costs money; it costs time; and it can be emotionally risky to self-evaluate, determine deficiencies, and create action plans for resolution.  It's much easier to just "go with the flow" - and try not to wonder why I'm not happier and more satisfied.  It's also very easy to get overwhelmed at the sheer number of steps it would take to accomplish any particular goal - and with no one but me pushing for the goal, it's easier to "grease the squeaky wheel" (of work demands) than it is to devote the time and effort to my daily happiness.

"Just let me get past (X deadline), then I'll see about something nice for me." 

Never happens.  X deadline is replaced by Y urgent deadline which is replaced by Z.   

Using the 43things site is proving helpful in recording some of my personal goals - which in turn, helps me remember to focus on them.

I did pretty well this past weekend:

1. Had friends over for a beer & cheese / late night blab fest on Friday
2. Went out boating on Lake Lanier with other friends on Saturday
3. Played board games on Sunday
4. Visited my little sister & met her new puppy on Monday

I managed to combine socialization, culinary adventures, activities I enjoy, and changes of scene, into all four days.  I still had time to actually talk about mid-range plans with my husband, read two books, tidy up the house a bit, do a little cooking, run some laundry, do a little shopping for supplies, catch up on my gardening and cooking shows, and take a nap two days in a row. 

That's pretty satisfying.  Even if most of it was fairly serendipitous - I'm still going to give myself credit for working on my day to day life, and the achievement of balancing "gotta" with "wanna" for four days in a row.

Repugnant Rentals

If all goes according to plan, our house will be sold in 10 days.

If I knew I had someplace I was looking forward to going, that would be cause for large celebrations.  But I don't... at least not yet.  I've spent quite a bit of time researching possible rentals online, and driving around to look at them; looking for signs of other rentals to view, etc. 

There's a lot of dirty, ill-kept, technologically antiquated, scary neighbor kinds of places available.  There's also a number of places where the owners have - well, let's just call it highly unrealistic expectations of what their home would be worth in monthly rent.  I suspect part of it comes from their re-financed mortgage payments - they took out cash, spent it (but not on the house) and now want to be able to cover the increased note plus some.  Sorry, your mortgage has nothing to do with what the house payment is worth.  Haven't changed the oven or stove since it was installed in the late 60s / early 70s?  Haven't had pest control, or yard care, or carpet cleaning and general home maintenance done in over a year?  Still got that original HVAC and water heater, that suck up more kilowatts than the flux capacitor on the professor's DeLorean?  You may want to rethink charging more in rent than the guy 3 miles down the road, with the nearly-new house that's been meticulously landscaped, actually has closet space, abundant electrical sockets & phone jacks, and shows obvious signs of pride of ownership.  Just a thought.  Oh - and this is probably just me being picky here - you may want to fix the sinkholes in the yard that have collapsed the driveway, get rid of the dead tree that's leaning perilously close to the roof, and possibly - just maybe - vacuum up the dead bugs and scrub out the commode.

Because if that's how you SHOW the property, how's it going to work if I rent and something breaks?  Are you going to be responsive and arrange for a prompt repair?  Somehow, I doubt it.  100 degrees temps and the antique A/C dies?  You'd probably tell me to get a fan.   

One of the houses I viewed had the owners working away to get it ready for rental - which should be a good thing, right?  Umm.  I'd have to suggest that you not tell prospective tenants that the house is 80 years old, has no insulation, and tends to be infested with mice and roaches but hey, that's all part of the charm of living out here!  On the other hand - shame on me for not decoding that "like living in a wildlife refuge!" in the ad actually translated to "barely one step above a shelter on the Appalachian hiking trail".

I will pay my rent on time.  I won't throw wild parties or trash the place out.  I won't skip out with three months of unpaid utilities.  I will probably plant flowers; I will certainly have a professional cleaning service on at least a biweekly basis.  I won't put my fist through your walls nor will I pour grease down the kitchen sink and expect you to fix the plumbing mess it creates. 

In exchange, I want to rent a place that's been kept up.  A place that isn't likely to fall down around my ears; a place that won't infest my belongings with vermin; a place that won't catch fire if I run the microwave while the TV is on.  It seems like a fair and reasonable exchange to me.

At this point - M - 11 (# days from move out) - I've got one decent, one adequate and two unknowns in terms of potential places to rent.  Thanks go out to my sister-in-law, who very generously rode around with me for two days looking at places; helping navigate, providing colorful commentary and keeping me from open tears and/or rending of garments.

When this is over - and I can't define "over" just yet - I know I am going to look back and laugh my hind end off about all the places I saw.  Right now, though, it's more of a grim forced march through to the short term finish line of a place to stay. 

Changes

Lots and lots and lots of changes.

Good things, mostly - but things requiring lots of time & emotional energy & problem solving skills I don't always have when I'm stressed.

My daughter graduated college - that's a major full powered HOORAY as we'd say in these parts.  Of course, there becomes the question of "what now?" and all the attendant complexities of major phases in life evolving.  Where will she go? Where will she work?  How will she survive until she finds a full time job?  No firm answers.

I'm reasonably sure the house is sold.  I won't call it 'done' until I am walking out of the closing attorney's office with a check in hand - but we do have a signed contract.  After a protracted and highly ugly battle with the Realtors who failed to sell our house last year - for reasons too complex and frankly disgusting to convey right now - we have a signed contract with the buyer.  One of the many catches?  We have to close and be out of the house on 6/15.  As in, just over two weeks.  Don't really have a completely firm handle on where we're going to move to; don't have a firm handle on what's coming and what's being discarded and what's being given away.  Don't know what to keep - what I might want, might need, might miss - don't know what the next phase of my life will look like.   I know what I want to get to - I just don't know all the steps between HERE and THERE and what will help me, what will hinder, and what the long term weight of all the possible decisions would be.   Don't know how in the name of all my available resources I am going to manage moving without taking any time off work, either.

Need to go to the plumbing doctor.  Had yet another 'episode' of downtime.  Pretty sure I know what she'll say (based on previous appointments) - and I don't like it; I don't want to do it; I can't afford the time or the cost or the resulting changes from that action.  Of course, I can't really afford the unremitting agony that each episode brings, either.  Rock / Hard Place, anyone?

Work's a zoo.  We have the "most critical project of the year" on deck - and one of my writers is out for nine days.  Oh, and the project deadline is the same day I am supposed to close on selling the house.  Can't move the house sale date - the buyer has to be out of her house four hours after I have to be out of mine - can only hope that the project deadline changes, but that's externally driven by no less an arbitrary power than the federal government.

I'm not curled up in the corner in a fetal position with my thumb in my mouth, but it wouldn't take much to get there.

Yes, I've always realized that getting to what I want is going to require upheaval and change and will carry uncertainties with it.  And yes, I can see how, in six months, my life is going to be sooooo much better from not having this house anymore.  And yes, I know I've gotten through challenging times successfully several times in the past; I am confident I can make this happen; identifying the  critical vs. non-critical steps and choices based on time sensitivity and project dependencies.  That translates to "let the non-critical stuff go; you don't have to decide everything, or resolve everything,  RIGHT NOW".   If I have to take everything along until I'm in a better position to make decisions, so be it.  Selling the house is a huge positive.  My daughter graduating is a huge positive.  On the whole, I'm much more happy about all this than I am panicking over the changes.

It's just 'hunker down and make it happen' a little more intensely than normal, I guess. 

Tech Lust & Queasiness

I've been waffling over the poor state of my home PC for nearly a year.  It was a good enough system when I bought it oh, probably 8 years ago - but these days, a P4 with 256 mg. of RAM and a 40 GB hard drive just doesn't run fast enough to execute all the things I need and want to do.

On the other hand, it DOES still run.   So I've left off playing any games on it, and tried to work around the lock ups & that it takes at least 5 minutes to launch MS Word, and tried to ignore the horrible grinding sound the hard drive makes sometimes.  I've watched the sales, consulted with my more technical friends, monitored CNET reviews, and reminded myself that I'm trying to get out of debt - and a major purchase doesn't exactly fit well with that plan.  Still, my frustration kept mounting - exacerbated by the fact that I realize the grinding noise is typically the forerunner of Hard Drive Permanent Failure.

Friday, I succumbed to the Tech Lust I've been battling lo this long while.  On order (shipping on or around 5/11) is a brand spankin' new Dell E520, with a Intel Core Duo E6420 (2.13GHZ,1066FSB) with 4MB cache; 2 GB RAM, a 256MB nVidia GeForce 7300LE TurboCache graphics card, a 250 GB (7200 RPM) hard drive, and a 16x DVD RW drive.  And a 20" widescreen digital flat panel monitor. 

I'm extremely excited & can't wait to see how it runs - I suspect it's going to knock my socks off!  The sheer processing power difference alone will change the way I organize my work time; having all that storage means I may actually join the 21st century and get some music going.  Very, very exciting and heady stuff.

BUT: I'm still a little queasy about spending a chunk of change on something that's just purely for me.   I realize that's silly - what difference does it make if I write one large check or a series of smaller ones that total to the same amount?  And the amount I've spent on this new system isn't enormous - I spent double this amount and then some just having the exterior trim on the house painted last fall.  In fact, several of the home improvement things I've funded in an attempt to increase curb appeal, and hence the ability to sell the house, have totalled up near or more than this amount. 

I could legitimately justify the purchase to myself over and over, but that's not really the point.  The reasons I get queasy about spending four digits (even if just barely!) in one fell swoop on something that serves only to make my life better are not rational and sound reasons.  They aren't even fair reasons.  I can cut a four digit check on something to benefit a shared goal, or to benefit me plus someone else, without experiencing this internal anxiety.  I simply evaluate what is needed, find the best deal (price & value), and make it happen.  I can make ongoing commitments to help someone I cherish that total far, far more than this.    I can do it without qualm (not without serious thinking, just without serious queasiness) if it's of benefit to someone besides me. 

I'd like to learn to treat myself that reasonably.  That justly.  That kindly. 

Asceticism isn't attractive - and it's certainly not part of my life in non-fiscal arenas.   I know why the fiscal arena is the hardest for me - and I know how I got here - I just have to continue to hold my own hand and gently lead myself through the  scary bits until I reprogram the default panic settings.

So yay me, I'm getting a really cool new system!  It's going to make lots of things faster and more fun and more functional and better!  Yay!  And gentle pats for the scared and queasy part of me: It really is OK to do this.  It wasn't a hasty decision, it wasn't poorly thought out, and satisfying myself in reasoned, well planned and well executed ways is no crime. 

Finding Time for Fun

Sometimes, I have to argue with myself to find a way to say yes to fun.  It's as though I'm my own strictest of all possible Governesses - one who believes fun and adventure should only be allowed if every single thing is in order, taken care of, neat and sound and correct - and oh, I better have been very productive and very 'good' to even consider frivolity.  I have to remember to say, "Phooey, Governess" or I'd never have the volume of adventure and fun I want.

My girlfriend and her new husband are buying a pontoon boat today, and invited me to come along for the test drive and subsequent (assuming all goes well) inaugural boat outing post-purchase.

"You're getting ready to be gone for a week to South Carolina," says the Cruel Governess, "You need to be getting things done before you go.  You need to pack, and get organized, and everything."  True - but there's little that must be done that is truly urgent or critical - and I can pack in the morning.  "You don't have any sunscreen, and you know how quickly & easily you burn", she continues.  True, but there's this neat invention called STORES where you can scoot in, make a purchase, and be right back out on the road within minutes.  "It's a long drive and traffic up to Lake Lanier is going to be bad, and coming home will be worse with all the construction," Evil Governess says, "It's a waste of time and gas, especially since you will have to drive the same route to get up to SC tomorrow - it isn't efficient to be back tracking like that."  Oh, and what outing wouldn't cost both time and gas?  Who cares if it's back tracking? Am I supposed to stay home all my life?  "You don't really have something appropriate to wear", Governess says, "and who knows where your life jacket is?  It's probably hidden away all full of dust and cobwebs."  Ok, now you're being really ridiculous - I have plenty of things I could wear and I'm sure 10 minutes of digging will reveal the life jacket's hiding spot.

And so goes the internal dialog.  Governess doesn't win, when I stop to think things through.  Her arguments are usually fairly easily defeated.  The fact is - it IS easier and less complicated not to break out of routine activities.  But the more important fact is: doing things - going places - trying new things and stepping outside of my day to day world in even minor ways - is a key part of what makes me happy.   Although Governess' voice is loudest when I'm sad or troubled, that's when I need to defeat her the most.  When it seems like too much trouble, too much effort - that's when I need to consciously identify what's really bothering me - because it's almost never the excuses Governess trumps up.  Today's root cause?  I don't feel like I deserve to have fun right now, because so much of my life is frankly not going smoothly.  I feel like I should try to focus all my efforts on fixing the major issues I face.

Guess what.  I can't fix them right now, or I already would have done so.  I can only continue to chip away at the problems as best I can - and I don't have to further punish myself by withholding fun, or by refraining from adventure and frivolity until they're resolved. 

I'm going boating.  And I'll come home in time to relax a little, get some sleep and then pack and head up to SC, stopping to see my daughter along the way for an added bonus.